Beanz believes that meeting other people with ND and positive thinking are parts of being ND

When I was diagnosed as dyspraxic when I was 37 and when I went to Mary's meetings for the first time I was incredibly proud to be N.D. The warmth and acceptance I felt and the comfort it gave me to finally have found my place amongst likeminded people was an eye opener and an absolute joy.

The first meeting whilst still a meeting turned into a more social occasion for a few of us, which was nice, as I've never been with people with an understanding of what it entails before. Unfortunately, apart for a couple of times, I've been unable to attend as I'm dictated by the agoraphobia most times or if I'm not it's a matter of not having the fare to go. I do miss the meetings though. I'm sure a lot more people who I've yet to meet go. I am very proud to be N.D.

The thing which was probably confused was me was not so much admiration for N.Ts but with more of a frustration that they have the tools to be able to do things but lack the drive to make more of themselves than they actually do, especially around here. It strikes me as very much a rat-race type routine that most settle into, But I'm not judging anyone.

My N.D `gifts` of patience, tolerance and the most important for me, never taking anything for granted, really does make me feel very special. As the poem says 'we have no time to stand and stare', So I get it all. The huge rush like feeling that overwhelms me when I manage to get a bill or my shopping done as planned. A shopping trip that turns out O.K. really gives me not only the feeling of being a grown up and a responsible person, but also sometimes I stand in my kitchen and have a realisation that `I've got a nice place here, I've got 2 dogs who I adore and who I feel adore me too. I've got food in the cupboard, money in the bank, life is good.

Years ago when I used to self-harm I had no confidence or self esteem at all. It was only the sake of not leaving my kids behind(my dogs) that kept me going and fighting for answers. When i got the diagnoses and I understood the problems through looking back, there are times when i should've just walked away.

The depression,(although I tend to call it more fatigue than anything else)is nowhere near the devastating soul-destroying knockdown that it used to be. I've got a grip on it and I now know how to deal with that, and it works well for me anyway. So on the whole I'm a very `up` person despite my experiences I'm in a much better position in life than I can honestly say I have ever been and its like a lottery win compared to the old days. Which I can now put down to not knowing what the hell was going on or what I should do to combat it. What ever the day brings I'm ready for and it can from one hour to the next sometimes but I'm always positive and up.

I think the gift we inherit as N.Ds, is the understanding of when go wrong. As I approach a challenge, be it a simple chore or a big important issue, the meticulousness of how I go about it, and indeed the effort entailed in doing so, makes the end result, either negative or positive, incredibly rewarding for me. If I could do everything at the drop of a hat I wouldn't get any joy whatsoever from it because it would just happen. Everything I do be it big or small or the end result positive or negative, its STILL learning. To me that's what the dyspraxic gift is. An appreciation of everything. Even on the negative, its still a learning experience because I understand why it went wrong and take steps to avoid going about that particular challenge the same way. As the saying goes, you don't know unless you try. Beanz